The best part of the story

  I am a man who struggles. I am over weight. I am prone to fits of anxiety. I have emotions that often swing wildly out of control. I am prone to dysthymia (a long term - low grade depression). I lack social understanding. My life is beset by the permanent spectre of loss that haunts me since the day my father left the earth. I am beset by doubt. I have plenty set against me, this is the truth. 

Yet having said all that I am also filled with joy, gratitude and hope. I love my family and have a soul that yearns for beauty and seeks it out. I have developed skills and talents to handle problems and to create so much beauty. I have a wife and children who tell me every day that they love me. I have a house, a car and any amenity my heart desires (within reason). I survived one of the greatest disastrous of the past 100 years and came out better than when I went in. So this leaves me with the question of, "why." In my heart the only answer is forgiveness. 

The words of one of  the most famous prayers in Christianity are, "forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." It is an important tenant of Christianity and I would argue it is the crucible of character. In its most basic sense, forgiveness is restores you. Forgiveness frees you to let go and to love again. Forgiveness is you walking out of darkness and into light. 

As humans we see the world through a lens. We have a perspective that is shaped by lots of different things. Our perspective is our only method to understand the world. When we encounter conflict, we are left questioning our perspective. "Whose to blame for our problems?" Sometimes we question ourselves and sometimes we question others. Often the complexity of the answer exceeds our ability to grasp it. You just don't know enough. Forgiveness is required. A simple understanding of forgiveness is the phrase children use when they want to impart forgiveness -"it's okay." I like "it's okay" because "forgiveness" can feel a bit loaded and "it's okay" is a little simpler. Think of "it's okay" like resetting your feelings back to start. We let go by remembering who we are and that our current feelings dont need to control us. We let go of the pain, stress and anxiety we feel towards others not because they deserve it, but because we can and in doing so we are trying to be happier. This allows us to get on with the real parts of life, the parts that move life forward. 

I am overweight. I say "its okay" to my sense of shame so that I can go about the actual work of getting healthy. I am prone to fits of anxiety. I say "it's okay" to my anxiety because often the things I am worried about wont or haven't happened and that there is lots of time for my circumstances to improve. I have emotions that swing wildly out of control. I say "it's okay" to my feelings and to reckon that however I feel doesn't make me a good/bad person, but what I do with it. I am prone to dysthymia. I say "it's okay" to my dysthymia and recognise the need to keep myself focused on the wealth of joy and optimism that exists in the world and that I need to draw from be it. I lack social understanding. I say "it's okay" to my lack of social understanding and recognise that I have loved and been loved by many and I will yet love again. My life is beset by the permanent spectre of loss. I say "it's okay" because the ghosts of the past or future will only serve to diminish the joy of the present. I am beset by doubt. I say "it's okay" to doubt because pain, loss and failure is an inseparable part of life and no quality I have can change that fact. I have no crystal ball and embracing doubt is choosing to hold on to a sinking anchor in a storm instead of holding onto the ship- the sinking anchor seems more stable and more certain, but holding onto the ship might allow you to see the sunrise.

To summarise, I have learned that forgiveness is the best part. It flushes the toilet of my mind and makes the waste disappear. It allows me to let go of guilt, hate, anxiety and to move forward in compassion, love and hope. Please dear reader, understand that finding "it's okay" is a journey and it isn't meant to diminish the reality of your suffering. Physical pain, mistakes, betrayal etc are still a part of life, but what you do in response to those things is your choice. How you respond to your circumstances is the only thing you have or will ever have control over. I wish wellness for you, dear reader, in every version and utterance.